you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
This is classic penis vs brain.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
Randomize
