I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
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