My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
