I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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