Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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