Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
