so i just googled the prescription for aldara i saw on your desk this morning...
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Randomize
