i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
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