His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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