Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
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