I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
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