I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Randomize
