Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
Rumble strips road head = magical
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
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