Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
Randomize
