She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
Randomize
