I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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