finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
This is actually a pretty big deal for him. I mean, he contacted a stranger out of concern for someone else instead of for sex.
That does show growth.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
Randomize
