Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
Randomize
