girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
