Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
2 more and I will have fucked 75 percent of my acting class. best. elective. ever.
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
