I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
You took a bar mat shot.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
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