Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
You're like the curious george of whores
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
