1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
Randomize
