I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
