you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
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