Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Randomize
