Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
Randomize
