thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
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