I am at the point in my high where i now know/understand chinese.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
Sober January is a disaster.
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
he high fived his dick after we had sex
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
Randomize