So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
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