just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
Randomize
