do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Randomize