Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
