Sponge bath it is.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
Randomize