What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
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