i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize