Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
Holy sore nipples Batman
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
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