I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
