I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
I checked into jail on foursquare
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Randomize
