Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
