So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize