i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
