What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
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