I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
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