I think he may have called me a bar rat, jokingly. I said i was but in a non-trashy way.
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
Randomize
