And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
Drunk is not a location!
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
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