I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Randomize