I want to kish your cheek
My cheeks are in Michigan
Oh my lips are kind of stretchy
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
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