Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
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