The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
Randomize
