My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
