hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
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