somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
Randomize
