also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Lately I've been very attracted to Kevin Jonas because he's like...less hot than Joe, but he's this healthy mix of both Joe and Nick. It looks like he's finally growing into himself.
Randomize
