i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
Randomize
