At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
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