I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Randomize
