Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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