he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
