dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
