if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
