AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
I'll name the documentary, "The Adventures of Megan's Vagina"
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
Randomize
